


Blossom

by asianlychallengedasian



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Death, Depression, F/M, Forced Fusion, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Mentions of Death, Not Beta'd, Realizations, SU AU Gone Wrong, change, cursing, self deprecation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-11
Updated: 2019-11-11
Packaged: 2021-01-29 00:57:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21401527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asianlychallengedasian/pseuds/asianlychallengedasian
Summary: Steven wasn't fully alive. But that didn't mean he was dead.
Comments: 13
Kudos: 170





	Blossom

**Author's Note:**

> Ive BEEN WORKING ON THIS FOR MONTHS. OOF.
> 
> AU credit to spudinacup! Seriously, go check out the comic. It's incredible! Though I will warn against it if you are sensitive to gore and such.
> 
> [ here's the comic blog ](https://suaugonewrong.tumblr.com/) and [ her main blog! ](https://spudinacup.tumblr.com/)
> 
> note: when I italicize steven, im referring to the whole, and the regular is pink steven, or ven as I usually call him, hehe.

Steven existed. That was the only thing he could possibly do at this point. His organic half had perished some time ago, and now here he was. Impossibly, yet still here. Although he was here, his other half was still gone.

Without a human filter, Steven could feel nothing. Well, that could be a fallacy. Steven could tell something was amiss. Even after the Crystal Gems were reverted to normal, things continued to be abnormal. He wasn’t whole. He felt… incomplete. 

It was inexplicable to Steven. Emotions were an inconvenience that often simply got into the way of getting things done. Yet, feeling them was a symptom of being one with another being. Steven was the abnormality. 

He had to know what emotions were like. He had to remember what it was like.  _ He had to be whole again. _

And the first time he fused with Connie, he didn’t understand why she pulled so harshly away from it. Nor when he fused with Pearl, or Amethyst, or even Garnet. 

So Steven approached Jasper. Upon walking to her abode on the hill outside of Little Homeworld, he knocked on the door. He stared into the small window peering through the door, and he saw a splotch of green and orange before the door opened. 

Her talons barely poked out of the door. It was dark. “What is it.” She demanded. 

“Fuse with me.” Steven commanded right back to her, and that gave Jasper pause. She opened the door, and there stood all of her hermited glory. She rarely left her household anymore, refusing to resocialize with the rest of society.

“Why would I fuse with an  _ abomination  _ like you?” She growled, and Steven didn’t take it personally. He didn’t take anything personally.

“I’m pure, unadulterated energy. You would benefit from it as well as I.” Steven stated. Jasper laughed wholeheartedly, a cruel, harsh sound.

“You must be  **desperate** , Pink.”

“I am  _ not  _ Pink.” 

“My point still stands, doesn’t it?”

Steven had nothing to say to that. He simply reached out one hand, and Jasper laughed that hateful laugh.

“Fusing with a diamond, me.” Jasper mumbled under her breath. “Unacceptable,” she said. She grabbed his hand tightly, grinning. “But I guess that’s what you do, huh, Pink?” 

Steven did not react in the slightest. He simply pulled Jasper out of her house. Jasper was still as tall as ever, but  _ Steven _ himself had grown to at least her shoulders. Given the fact Steven merely floated a few inches above the ground, they were around the same height. Jasper’s hair had been cut short during one regeneration or another, yet her outfit still retained those soldier like angles. Her reddish orange skin was ever so dyed with corruption, and her skin was bumpy with ridges and crevices where hard light gave way to green deformities.

Steven let go and initiated the ritual. He simply mimicked what  _ Steven _ had once done to form Obsidian, all those years ago. Jasper let out a scoff of indignation, but moved to join.

And when they touched again, there was an explosion of bright white light.

And they  _ ached.  _ Just like fusing as Stevonnie, fusing as Rainbow Quartz, as Sunstone: it hurt. They groaned, opening their eyes. It was disorienting, gathering information from a third eye. Light peachy pink hair fell in front of their face. They couldn’t get up. It hurt too much. 

Anyway, it was hard to figure out how to walk with four legs. 

As their mind began to clear, they rubbed their head with one pair of their arms.  _ Who…  _ _ Who are we- Rather, who am I…? _

“Red Agate.” A voice rumbled. Their voice rumbled. They slowly got up on their legs, figuring out locomotion with their body.

“Jasper, are you- I’m fine.” They said aloud, holding themselves with their arms that protruded from their rightful place. Two other arms sprung from their back, relaxing on their lower body. Red Agate took a moment to look around, realizing everything was much smaller around them. They recognized they were around the height of the tower marking Little Homeworld, maybe a little shorter. 

Steven finally felt something, other than empty. That’s what he liked about fusing. But he- It didn’t feel good. Not like any of the past fusions. It felt weird-

It felt  _ wrong.  _ He tried tugging away from the fusion, but Jasper held on tight. 

“Don’t you think about it,” Agate spoke, tightening their hold on themself. It hurt, it burned, it felt bad. They clenched their teeth.

_ Let go,  _ Steven implored. He didn’t like this. 

_ You wanted this,  _ Jasper growled, taking control. She dragged them along, trotting alongside Little Homeworld. She chuckled, raising their fists. She slammed one into the ground with tumultuous roar. The ground gave way like kneaded bread, and Steven felt more emotions. He was afraid. 

He felt helpless. Yet, some part of himself- that wasn’t himself- felt- felt powerful. 

He didn’t like this. He wanted out. He wanted to control his own body. He tugged against Jasper’s influence. She did not budge. They approached a human out by the beach. Their form loomed over them, but he continued wading in the cool winter water. Suddenly, two of their arms raised, a sickening grin on their face. 

_ No. No!  _ Steven knew what was happening. They were one, he of course knew. He grabbed the two arms raised with what control he had. He growled through their mouth. 

“Go,” It sounded closer to Steven’s own voice, and he was ecstatic at the thought of freedom. Jasper tightened her grip, ripping what little control Steven had out of his hands.

The water shot up a mile in the air with how hard their fists crashed into the ocean. Steven felt mortification for the first time. He cried out. 

“ ** _No!_ ** ” Their voice shook everything around them, trees crashing on the shore and the ocean went still. Steven grabbed their body in the moment of confusion, and bolted them far away from the shoreline.

Jasper tried desperately to claw their way to the surface, but Steven held adamantly onto control. Agate held their breath uselessly, a part of them fearing drowning.

_ We won’t drown if you just let us LEAVE! _ Jasper screamed, but Steven didn’t let go. He needed this. He couldn’t hurt another person. They couldn’t hurt another person. They hit the ocean floor with a thud, suddenly losing any air they had been grabbing onto. 

Steven knew he wasn’t human. Not anymore. But somewhere, something inside of him still feared mortal death. So his grip loosened.

And it was too late to grab back control then. Agate jumped, swam, scrambled to the surface. And Steven was trapped once more.

_ Is this how they felt?  _ Steven wondered, uselessly trying to grab some semblance of control.  _ How I treated them?  _ As they resurfaced, Agate wasn’t sure if it was salt water or if it was tears streaming down their face. 

Steven tried vehemently to regain control.  _ Pathetic, you’re a diamond. You should be able to break free of this.  _

_ You’re so weak, Pink.  _

“ ** _I AM NOT PINK DIAMOND._ ** ” Agate screamed. The water exploded around them.

_ That’s your gem. If you’re not Pink, who are you?  _ Jasper sneered. Steven was certain that it was tears dripping down their face now.

Steven had had it. With all the power he could muster, he tugged away from the fusion.

“ _ Enough. _ ” His voice rang through the fusion, and they fell apart.

And Steven didn’t remember anything but black.

  
  


When Steven awoke, he was at the ocean floor. He gasped, feeling…

Feeling? He didn’t know. His nonexistent heartbeat picked up. He stood, looking around. Fish were swimming around them- him. Him. He was him. He was Steven. 

A few yards away from him laid Jasper. He felt weird again. Something raised his hackles, and he backed away. 

_ Away. Go.  _ And Steven listened to the little voice in his head. 

  
  


Once reaching shore, he saw he saw the blockade by the seaside. He wasn’t sure how long it had been since… they fled, but the ambulance appeared to be packing up in the hurried fashion they did when they were rushing someone to a hospital. 

Seeing the pink spectre of a kid crawling out of the ocean, a few townspeople and gems approached him. 

Steven couldn’t deal with that right now. He needed to get back to the temple. So Steven leapt into the sky, away from all of the people. He guided his movement towards the temple, and landed on the statue of Obsidian. 

Garnet caught him. Steven didn’t try to break from her embrace. He, in fact, leaned into it.

He felt a few tears soak into her body. He let out a low sound, akin to a wounded animal. 

“What’s happening,” He asked quietly. He looked up to Garnet’s face. Her expression was indecipherable with her glasses on. Her lips were pursed, and Garnet hugged him against her chest.

Tears didn’t stop streaming down his face.

Amethyst sat with him. She sat on top of  _ Steven’s _ old bed. She kicked her legs out like a child. Steven sat on the floor next to it. Thoughts flurried through his head like a snowstorm. 

_ She hurt me. _

_ You hurt them. _

Steven _ would’ve never done that. _

_ But I’m not  _ Steven _ , am I? _

He felt exhausted.

Amethyst flicked the back of Steven’s head. “Ay-yo, Steven.” She caught his attention. Steven looked to her. She looked at him intensely, then Amethyst cast a smile over her face.

“Have you tried sleeping yet?” She grinned, laying back in the bed. Steven’s eyebrows raised ever so slightly.

“I don’t need sleep.” He stated. 

Amethyst tugged him onto the bed. “No one  _ needs  _ sleep!” Steven tugged his arm back, but sat on the bed alongside her. He pondered on the process. It put one at risk, from what he could tell. One lost all recollection of the time spent in sleep.

Steven didn’t think that sounded half bad.

“Show me how.”

  
  


Pearl said from beside the bed. “Steven, you haven’t gotten out of bed for days.” She worried. 

Steven didn’t respond. Pearl sighed and sat beside him. “Steven, we’re worried about you.” She said truthfully. “What’s happening?”

Steven was quiet for another moment. Just when Pearl was about to give up, he spoke.

“I don’t know.” He mumbled quietly. Pearl perked up, and looked to him. It was the first time he’d spoken in days. His voice showed no sign of disuse. She seemed to be waiting for him to continue. “I don’t know what’s happening. I realized something. I don't know what to do to fix it.” His eyes burned. He felt liquid at his eyes. “I don’t know why I’m crying.” 

Pearl looked miserable for a moment, before straightening her act, scooping him up into her arms. His teeth clenched. 

“I think I did something wrong.” He uttered quietly. Pearl pet his hair.

“Oh, Steven,” She mumbled, comforting him. “It’s alright.”

“What’s happening to me.” He inquired. Pearl shook her head, running her hands through his hair. 

“You feel bad, Steven. You feel guilty.” 

“How do I stop it?” 

Pearl took a deep breath. “Well, uhm.” She thought for another moment. “You… Can’t, not really, unless you forgive yourself.” Pearl admitted. Steven’s heartbeat picked up.

“But you can start to forgive yourself by making it up to them.”

  
  


Connie and Steven stood above the beach, near the top of the temple. They were only a few yards away from where the injector had sat, but the Earth was healing around it.

_ Steven _ was buried at the top of the hill. A small grave site sat in the greenest area. Connie carried small blue flowers that looked similar to  _ myosotis scorpiodes _ , yet she referred to them as “forget-me-not”s. They looked ill, but Steven wouldn’t dare say that to her. 

Connie stood at the grave of her best friend. She put the flowers right next to the grave, the stems not being buried. 

_ Were the flowers supposed to die?  _ Steven wondered.  _ Is it some sort of ritual? Steven _ had never visited a grave, therefore, Steven’s knowledge of human customs with death was limited. Connie leaned over the grave.

“Connie.” The two syllables slipped out of his mouth before he could stop himself. Connie’s hair got in her face as she turned to face the incomplete boy. She fiddled with her barrette.

“Yes?” She asked, pinning her hair back up.

He was quiet for a moment. “I’m sorry.” Steven clenched his hands. Connie looked confused for a moment, and Steven clarified. “For forcing you to fuse with me. I didn’t realize...

Connie widened her eyes, but grabbed his hand. “It’s alright-” 

Steven didn’t let her finish. “But it’s not!” His voice raised. He felt that burning feeling in the back of his eyes again, and there was something in his throat. “I just thought that I-” He choked, tears going down his face, “That I needed to be fused,” 

_ ‘You need to recognize what you feel, and let it happen. I know you might not want to, but…’ _

“To be whole again,” Connie’s hand was still on top of his. She gave him a look of confusion and concern. She didn’t let go.

“Steven, I-”

“But you felt trapped, didn’t you? I made you feel like that, and-” He grabbed onto the front of his shirt, the tears not stopping. It hurt. This hurt so bad. But Connie deserved an apology.

He deserved to hurt for hurting them.

What?

“Steven, you need to calm down-” Connie withdrew her hand, and Steven felt even  _ more  _ emotion pour over him. He felt utter remorse. He felt terrible, he felt alone, he couldn’t do this-

“I’m sor-” 

And Steven was gone.

(“Steven!” Connie screamed as the half-gem poofed. She thankfully caught the diamond before he hit the ground, but her eyes watered.

“I mean...” She muttered to no one. She didn’t know what was happening with Steven, but something was. He was… Being empathetic.

What happened to him when he disappeared that one day?

“Oh, Steven.” She mumbled, letting a tear streak down her face.)

  
  


Reforming was weird, like riding a bike after not doing so for years and years. He didn’t really recall how to do it, but it was like second nature.

Bismuth was there when Steven reformed. She pulled him up from the ground when he collapsed. “Welcome back to Earth, buddy.” She said, and Steven blinked in response. Bismuth laughed awkwardly, unsure of what to say. “You’ve, uh, been out for two weeks or so. Connie went back to school.” 

Steven felt the breeze on his hard light form. He turned his back to the non-offensive gem, and began to go through the closet. Bismuth called after him.

“Uh, yo, Steven,” She said, grabbing his shoulder. Bismuth felt like a faulty old light bulb, hot to the touch, yet one gets used to it. It was here Steven realized the word for what he felt. He felt cold. He picked out a pastel blue hoodie  _ Steven _ had hidden away in his- their?- closet. 

Steven snapped away the varsity jacket, and put on the hoodie. The inside of it was woolen and warm. Steven decided it was satisfactory. Bismuth looked like she was rebooting for a moment.

“Uh, it looks good on you, Steven?” She said simply. Steven nodded. Steven turned to go toward the bedroom. He may have just gotten his form back, but since sleeping for the first time, he always felt exhausted. No wonder Amethyst did it so often.

After silence for so long, Steven finally spoke. “I’m going upstairs.” He said in his deadpan voice. He wasn’t looking at Bismuth, but he felt her sad eyes on him. Steven paused. 

“Bismuth.” He called for her undivided attention, even though the rainbow haired blacksmith had already given it. 

“Thank you.” The words came out chopped off and broken, like he had never said it before. Or, that’s what Steven assumed it sounded like. 

Bismuth thought it sounded like he was crying. She smiled sadly. 

“Anytime, Steven, anytime.”

  
  
  


Peridot brought a few pots carried on a metal sheet over to the communication hub. Filling them with nutritious dirt, she planted a few seeds. Steven sat inside, watching as she placed them by the foot of the stairs that led to his hub. The breeze was blowing, and the birds were chirping. Pearl insisted Steven leave the door open to let the cool air in. Peridot continued working through his tangent. She gently watered them, giving them the nutrients to grow.

In the final pot, she placed a twig. Steven raised an eyebrow, before getting intrigued and calling out to the small gem. Peridot immediately looked shaken, but scurried through the door like a dog whose name was just called.

“Yes?” Peridot asked, and Steven looked to the twig.

“Why did you put a twig into that pot.” He said matter-of-factly, yet the words formed a question. Peridot seemed confused.

“To grow it,” She returned, “I garden, don’t you remember?” She asked. Steven’s eyes narrowed- in a non-offensive way of course, but Peridot looked as if she just shattered a gem. Steven spoke again.

“It’s not going to grow. It’s dead.” He stated, as if she just asked if the sky was blue. Peridot’s face morphed into a look of utter bafflement, but her mouth dropped to an ‘o’ shape, seemingly recognizing.

“Actually, I just snapped it off of a tree back at Little Homeworld. Most of the ground here is still not healthy enough to withhold life that will root downward, so I chose a small tree that wouldn’t grow too big so I wouldn’t have to replant it.” Peridot gestured for Steven to follow her outside. Steven slowly obliged. She sat down next to the offending plant and watered it. “So, it’s not dead  _ yet _ .” Steven just sat there as she continued to care for the twig.

“It will soon, though.” Steven said. Peridot looked up to him, smiling.

“Life on Earth is extremely resilient,” She grinned, “Most plants can reroot anywhere as long as it’s still alive and has the right conditions.” 

Steven sat for a while, letting the fact sink in. 

“Forget-me-nots do that?” Steven’s voice picked up ever so slightly. Peridot shrugged.

“Want to see? I can bring some more pots if you get the flowers.” Peridot inquired. Steven shrugged.

“Sure.”

Steven had tried, and tried his best to get the plants to root, but he failed. Well, Peridot’s were doing well, but Steven appeared not to have a metaphorical ‘green thumb’, as they called it. He supposed he could create life, not nurture it, perhaps.

_ No wonder  _ Steven _ ’s dead.  _

Steven decided to go on a walk, if not to search for flowers that had not been touched by his unnatural hand.

Which brought him upon Lapis, who sat atop of the tower in Little Homeworld.

She looked… Sad. She looked like Steven did sometimes. Steven super jumped up to her. Lapis startled immediately, jerking backwards. She relaxed a moment later though, trying to look nonchalant and cool.

Lapis still was avoiding him. He had to make the first move. 

“Hey.” He said simply. He didn’t know what else to say. Lapis didn’t respond. Steven ground his teeth a little. “Lapis.” 

“Don’t talk to me.” She mumbled. Steven looked to her. He was… uncertain. “You’re not him.” Steven’s heart dropped.

_ No, really,  _ some part of him snarled, but he bit it down. 

“I know.” He said quietly, sitting there in her company. They sat together for a moment longer, until Lapis stood up. Steven grabbed her hand as gently as he could. He still was uncertain with his own strength. Still, despite this, she wrenched her hand away.

Steven quickly spoke as she unfurled her wings. “I’m sorry.” His voice shattered into a million different pieces, enough for Lapis to look back in concern. Steven’s eyes burned.

“I… Know, I’m not him.” Steven continued over the lump in his throat. “I know I will never be him. I’ll never be as good as him.” Steven looked down at his hand. “I’m just… Whatever’s left of a broken kid. I’m sorry I can’t be what you need me to be.” He finished softly. Lapis stood for another moment, before sighing and refurling her wings. She sat down beside Steven again.

“It’s not your fault.” Lapis put her elbows on her knees, looking down into the streets below, life bustling. “You didn’t kill  _ Steven _ . It’s just…” She sighed. “He was… so kind to me. When no one else would be.” Steven stayed quiet. He knew this already. 

Steven _ wouldn’t have hurt everyone- _

“But I know you’re trying.” Steven looked to her. His eyes were blurry, but Lapis appeared to have tears in her own eyes. “Whatever happened that day, it changed you. I can tell whatever it was hurt you, but you’ve improved.” She stated. Steven looked down to the streets below, narrowing his eyes.

He pulled up his knees and placed his head on them. “I made a dumb mistake. I’m trying to make up for it.” Lapis laughed.

“Aren’t we all?” She stated, before sobering up. “I don’t get how I deserved to be… how I am today. But I am.”

Steven paused. He then spoke again. “I didn’t realize how much fusing could screw someone up.” 

Lapis seemed to perk up at that. “What do you mean?” She said, confused. Steven barely lifted his head, staring to the skyline.

_ Jasper was still out there somewhere. At the bottom of the sea, doing… Whatever she does. _

“I fused with Jasper.” Steven said matter-of-factly. “We put a guy in the hospital.” Lapis was silent for a moment. Steven didn’t dare look over.

“I’m… Sorry?” She said confusedly. Steven continued.

“I told her to stop. I changed my mind. And I realized that this is how everyone felt with me. And I’m trying to make it up to all of them.” Steven said. His eyes never stopped burning. “I don’t know how. I’m not good at this.” He sighed. “I’m not  _ Steven _ .”

Lapis seemed to contemplate this for a few moments. “You feel bad, right?” Steven only nodded in response. Lapis continued from there. “That’s a start.” She said. “None of us are good enough to be  _ Steven _ ,” She uttered, scooting closer to him. “But you’ve been a part of him for years. You’re still him, if you want to be. Maybe just set back a bit.”

Steven leaned back. “He’d know what to do.” He flopped back on the roof. Something like a teenage boy would do.

“Steven, he was a teen. You really think he knew everything?” Lapis said, incredulously. “No one’s perfect. Even  _ Steven _ .”

Steven looked over to the blue gem. She looked strained, but not unkind. Steven’s lips turned up ever so slightly.

“I guess.” He mumbled, gesturing his hand out, before sighing and looking away.

“You act more human.” Lapis ascertained. That caught Steven’s attention, and he looked back to her. “You’ve picked up some mannerisms. You don’t even need to breathe, do you? And you sigh a hell of a lot.”

Steven looked for a moment, eyes wide. “I guess you’re right,” Steven realized. Lapis smiled a little more.

“You’re already changing. You’ll be okay.”

And Steven’s shoulders released a tension that he didn’t know he was holding.

The Crystal Gems gathered one night, human and gem alike. It was the first time they’d all been together since  _ Steven _ ’s funeral. But, this wasn’t such a sad event. In fact, it was a barbeque. There was no special occasion, besides maybe that they all deserved a break. 

Pearl and Garnet doted over Greg cooking the entreé, and Lapis, Amethyst, and Peridot came from town with snacks. Well, Lapis and Peridot were trying to keep Amethyst away from them, who was trying to eat them. Well, really only Lapis. Peridot didn’t have the height for that. Bismuth carried any extra things they couldn’t carry, such as drinks, tables, and various other items.

Connie sat beside Steven, on the beachside. The water tickled their feet. The sun was setting on another day, the sky a deep salmon pink. They simply enjoyed the view and each other’s company.

“Connie.” Steven spoke. Connie noticed that her chest didn’t hurt so much hearing his voice.

“Yeah?” Connie returned, and Steven’s eyes widened. He didn’t expect to get this far. Connie spared a glance over to the pink manifestation of a gem, and laughed a little. 

Steven looked back to the ocean, placing his hands in the sand. “Thank you for being here.” Steven stated, sobering up with the statement. 

“Well, yeah, I was planning on coming no matter what-”

“No, I-” Steven sighed. Wow, he did sigh a lot. “I mean for not leaving me. After… You know.” He mumbled.

Connie’s face saddened a little, with a bittersweet smile on her face. “Of course, Steven.”

Steven placed his hand on hers. It was warm. He felt something blossoming in his chest.

“It really means a lot.” He said, facing her. Connie’s eyes had widened, and she might’ve been blushing. The sun was dying their skin red, so Steven couldn’t tell. “I know… I know I’m not the same. But I’m trying. To be better. To learn. I know I’m not good, but…”

Connie looked into Steven’s eyes. She smiled. “Steven. If you were bad, you wouldn’t be trying so hard. The fact you’re changing is a big thing to prove you’re good. You realized you were doing wrong. And yeah, the realization came through a…” She breathed, “A horrible situation, but sometimes, bad things happen and it teaches you things." She teared up a little bit. “And sure, things might not be the same, but they don’t need to be.” She said. “Change… Happens. For better or for worse.”

Steven leaned forward and hugged her. He hugged her close to him, silently letting a few tears roll down his face. Connie paused, but hugged him back.

Maybe he could live like this. By himself. And maybe he could learn. How to be a better person. Maybe he’ll never be  _ Steven _ , but he could… He could be himself. 

He smiled, full heartedly. Yeah, that sounds good.

**Author's Note:**

> Ive used a new thing on docs, so if it messed up something obvious please tell me! Otherwise, I hope you enjoyed! <3
> 
> some notes i wanted to clarify, but i couldnt quite figure out how to fit it in:  
i dont really BLAME ven for wanting to be whole again, he just... didn't go through it in the right way. and he hurt people; which WASNT okay.
> 
> more might be added as i remember : ^)


End file.
